Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
