Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
