I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
