The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
