I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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