i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
