just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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