tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
