I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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