not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
