Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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