My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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