this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
