Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
