Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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