I wanna passion pit in your ass
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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