he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
