So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
