For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
