I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
