the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
