the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
