Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize