That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think people are normalizing furries
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
