I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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