My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
