best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
