Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
