just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
