i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
