I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
