He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
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