I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
