So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
