I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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