i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
