remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
