um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
