And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
