DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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