Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
why do cheetos always look like penises
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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