so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
