The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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