I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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