Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My life is pants optional.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
