My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
