the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
