He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
