Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
