"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
