obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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